Friday, March 12, 2010

How to be

How To Be A Cat
The morning:
The perfect time to demand your human's attention is when they first wake up. They will have a routine that goes something like this: Bathroom->kitchen->living room. Their morning time in the living room is your time to shine! They will most likely have a mug of hot coffee. We only want their water so your goal is to get them to put the mug down and pet you. Use your nose to nudge their elbow when they take a drink. Don't nudge too hard or they will spill the hot stinky stuff on their lap, but that is where you want to be. Remember - you are vying for their attention. If you screw up, they may throw you outside, unless this is what you want. Then by all means, be as forceful as you want.

If you start your work in the kitchen prior to and while pouring that cup of coffee, you can remind them you reign over the morning. They will pour less, or they will pour hastily and drink it quick, or if the mug has a lid, they will try to get to the living room too quick and the lid won't be on properly. You cannot let them spill their coffee. Most humans get really cranky when they don't get to have their coffee. So even though it is really tempting, don't attack their feet. We can play trip-the-human later.

The bathroom:
If you can slip past your human as they go into the bathroom and shut the door...Watch their every move. It makes them so uncomfortable to have someone watch them. Even better rub on their legs and try to jump in their lap. I also like to sit on the sink right next to them and twist my head to different angles. I just don't get what they are doing! Then I like to flick my tail in the water coming from the faucet when they wash their hands. If you like to drink from the water faucet make sure you get in there quick. Some humans don't wash their hands well and the water doesn't run long.

The middle of the night:
This is so fun! It's my favorite time. My humans don't let me in the bedroom while they sleep which makes me feel deprived of warmth and attention. They seem to get upset when I play with crinkly things when they do let me in there, but when they are up the laugh and play with me. It doesn't make sense. Anyway, when your human comes out for a drink or to go to the bathroom, wind yourself through their legs as they try to walk in the dark. You can also run to the door when you hear movement in their room. Lay quiet and still in front of the door. Be ready to run so they don't fall on you. I'll show them not to let me in their bedroom!

When a package comes, your human will be really excited and won't want to pay attention to you. That's just fine because you want the box that just came. Sit very close to them and where they can clearly see you when they open the box. Turn your head horizontally and upside down, move your eyes around, twitch your ears...Anything cute that will remind your human how sweet you are and therefore how rewarding. Once you have the box, remember to do something cute or funny once in a while so they don't take the box away from you. In the mean time, this is the perfect opportunity to surprise another cat or that stupid dog. The other cats will want in the box and the dog will want to sniff it so you should be able to surprise attack everyone.

Beware of the mirror:
Humans think it is entertaining to watch us attempt to attack the new cat, but they are playing a game with you. That cat isn't real. It is a mirror image of you. Yeah! You are trying to attack yourself. The humans laugh as we get worked up and hiss at or take swipes at that cat that we just can't get to. Think you just smacked the defiant punk? Nope! You have been fooled. Don't bother digging at the ground in front of the lookey thing. You won't be able to get to that fuzzbucket that doesn't seem to be afraid of you (no matter which attack you pull on him).
To get them back, let your claws out and scratch the mirror with them.

To dry your nose:
After drinking some water, hopefully from their cup, look for bare skin and nudge it with your nose.